


In the quiet moments, discoveries are made

by chajatta



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, Everyone cries a lot, Long Distance Relationship, M/M, Pet Names, despite how this sounds there is a happy ending, frank discussions of sporting injury, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 10:02:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17826605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chajatta/pseuds/chajatta
Summary: Five times Javi refers to Yuzuru by a term of endearment, and one time Yuzuru returns the favour. In his own way.





	In the quiet moments, discoveries are made

**Author's Note:**

> LORD. This was supposed to be a cutesy little five times Javi called Yuzu a sweet pet name type shebang, yet somehow it turned into this- a practice in how to finally finish something you've had on your back burner for six months, that you're not entirely sure you'll ever be fully satisfied with. 
> 
> That being said, I do think it actually turned out okay, in the end. Thank you, Yuzuvier, for ruining my life with your love at all times. Thank you to W, as always, for your encouragement and support <3
> 
> Work will be locked after five days.

_Uno_

The first time Javi says I love you, Yuzuru doesn’t say it back. 

Javi hadn’t planned to say it. He’d barely even planned for tonight to be particularly special, beyond the fact that it was one of the rare occasions that Yuzuru had agreed to come to his place after training, instead of heading straight home. 

Javi orders in ramen from a place he knows Yuzuru likes and they eat together on his lumpy couch. Javi is stripped down to his shorts to ward off the last dying throws of the balmy Toronto summer and they’re sat closely enough that his bare thigh is pressed comfortably against Yuzuru’s. Yuzuru, for his part, looks calm and content beside him, his hair fluttering across his forehead every time it catches in the breeze creeping through the open window. 

After dinner Javi dumps all of the dirty tupperware in the kitchen, fending Yuzuru off with a laugh and a kiss to his soft mouth when he tries to insist on cleaning up. Javi thought it might be difficult for them to transition from training partners to more than that and it does still feel a little surreal, being able to just lean over and kiss Yuzuru, to slip his fingers under Yuzuru’s t-shirt and stroke his flat, muscular stomach. But mostly they make it work. 

It’s admittedly still difficult, sometimes. They’re fierce competitors both and when they’re training, when they’re out on the ice at a competition and medals are at stake, there’s an absolute line where feelings get left behind, to be retrieved later, when it’s all said and done. But the struggles are worth it for moments like this. To have Yuzuru splayed out on the couch beneath him, his mouth wet with kisses and his cheeks flushed pink, make the hardships seem like mere trifles. 

There’s a quietness to being with Yuzuru, a peace in the moments they steal together, away from the eyes of the press and their fellow skaters, from Yuzuru’s adoring public back home. It might be enforced, but Javi likes that privacy, the protective bubble around Yuzuru that has enveloped him, too, now that Yuzuru has opened it up for him. Yuzuru’s pulse jumps beneath his mouth and Javi leans down to kiss his neck, swiping his tongue over Yuzuru’s skin to make him laugh. 

They’re still getting to know each other like this. Javi takes every piece of knowledge Yuzuru offers to him, treasures it like a gift. 

Yuzuru digs his fingers into Javi’s waist, bunching up his flimsy t-shirt as he pulls on it. 

“Javi, _stop_ ,” Yuzuru gasps. Javi grins down at him when he pulls away. 

“Never,” Javi says. “I know your true weakness, now.” He kisses Yuzuru again and uses the distraction to jab Yuzuru in the ribs, tickling him. Yuzuru thrashes beneath him, his entire neck bared when he throws his head back onto the arm of the couch. 

Javi continues tickling him until they’re both breathless with laughter. Yuzuru whines his name, the last syllable stretching all long and soft and syrupy, and Javi finally relents. 

“If Javi tickle me before skate to make lose focus,” Yuzuru threatens, with all the fear factor of a dishevelled kitten, “I’m going be- going to be so mad.” 

There’s a smile playing around the edges of Yuzuru’s mouth and his chest is still heaving with mirth, but Javi knows better than to disregard any threat from Yuzuru, no matter how playful. 

Javi still has one hand splayed across Yuzuru’s ribcage and he strokes there, instead, rubbing little circles and running his fingers over every bump of bone. 

“I like knowing your weakness but it doesn’t mean I’m gonna use it.” Javi keeps on rubbing Yuzuru’s ribs and he can feel Yuzuru melting beneath the touch, his whole body going pliant like rubber. “Just because I’m in love with you it doesn’t mean I don’t still want to beat you, but it has to be fair or it isn’t worth it.”

Yuzuru stiffens beneath him and it takes Javi a moment longer than it should to realise why. He pauses, his hand stilled, unsure how to proceed with Yuzuru looking up at him like that, his dark eyes sharp. 

Yuzuru is different to anyone Javi has ever dated before. He can be expressive and emotional, both on and off the ice, but he’s also incredibly guarded and harder to read than possibly anyone that Javi knows. Yuzuru still hasn’t said anything and Javi is about to speak, to say something to break the tension he’s created by crossing one of Yuzuru’s many boundaries before he was ready, but Yuzuru beats him to it. 

“Good,” he says firmly, decisively. “Javi should always try and be the best so he can beat me.” The tension shifts and just like that Yuzuru’s look turns coy, almost sly, his eyes glittering with mischief. “Only when you get too old to jump beautiful quad sal, then maybe think about using tickle tactic against me.”

Javi barks a laugh and jabs Yuzuru again. He feels soft once more, as soft as anyone with the kind of solid musculature Yuzuru has can ever feel, and Javi can feel himself relaxing, too. 

Javi is very aware that Yuzuru didn’t say it back, but he’s fine with that. Javi would love to hear it but Yuzuru’s manner is unlike his, Javi knew this long before today, long before this moment, and he also knows that when the time comes Yuzuru will show him in his own way. It’s one of the things Javi has had to adjust to right from the beginning, since Yuzuru joined the Cricket Club as a gangly teenager. They’ve had to learn how to speak each other’s language; not Spanish or Japanese or even English, but the way of each other, what it is that Yuzuru is trying to tell him without ever having to say a word. 

For now, Javi is content with what he has. Yuzuru, staring up at him, pressed against him, existing here, in Javi’s space, like it’s where he wants to be. Javi smiles and leans down to suck Yuzuru’s bottom lip into his mouth, feels the pleased hum deep inside Yuzuru’s chest. 

Yuzuru can still be tough to crack, to figure out, but Javi is more than happy with being the one allowed to try. 

 

 

 

 

 

_Dos_

Yuzuru doesn’t like to fuck too much during the competitive season. 

“It take my energy,” Yuzuru explained to him one time. “I should save for other things. Skating things.” 

Javi doesn’t mind, not really. Not most of the time, anyway. He’d mostly just been glad that Yuzuru hadn’t said sex with Javi was a _waste_ of his energy. Javi has never prescribed to this particular school of thought before, but he gets it; skating should be the number one focus and priority, for both of them, and if Yuzuru wants to save himself in the run up to competition so that he’s razor sharp and right on the edge when he competes, then that’s his decision and Javi respects that. It’s not as if Yuzuru doesn’t have the results to show for it.

Besides, it’s not like they don’t do anything. Yuzuru is always more than happy to kiss and be kissed, to lie in bed beside Javi when they’re both tired and bruised from a long training session at the Cricket Club, and stroke Javi soft and slow until he’s coming in the palm of Yuzuru’s hand. For all that Yuzuru is intensely focused and stubborn, he’s an incredibly attentive lover, who seems to enjoy getting Javi off almost as much as finding his own relief. 

It used to make Javi a little uncomfortable, in truth, when they first started sleeping together. He’d been wracked with guilt, convinced that Yuzuru was indulging him during the season because he felt like he had to, that he somehow owed Javi something for making himself unavailable for weeks at a time. But whenever Javi had tried to reciprocate Yuzuru would brush him away with a smile that made Javi’s stomach feel tight and tense, like the moment before a jump, and say he was okay. 

“When you ever see me do things I don’t want, Javi?” Yuzuru had asked when Javi finally brought it up. “I like make you feel good. Is good for me, too, touching Javi, even without the end for me.” Javi had still been a little unsure, felt selfish about taking from Yuzuru, but Yuzuru had been right, Javi knows now. Yuzuru knows himself and Javi trusts him, has always trusted him. He knows that there is nothing and nobody in the world that could make Yuzuru Hanyu do a single thing he didn’t want to.

Still, that doesn’t mean Javi doesn’t enjoy it when Yuzuru allows more, when Javi makes him lose control. 

Yuzuru is much less recalcitrant about sex during the off season and Javi grabs every opportunity Yuzuru offers him with both hands. Mostly Yuzuru seems to prefer it with Javi on top and Javi certainly has no complaints. Yuzuru’s body always feels incredible around his, almost overwhelming in its intensity. If Javi were to be completely honest with himself, he’d probably agree that it feels even better after a season of limited access.

Yuzuru likes it on his knees from behind and Javi is more than happy to go along with it, kissing down each bony knob of Yuzuru’s spine as he rocks into him, biting down on Yuzuru’s shoulder when his breath hitches right before he comes. 

Sometimes, though, Yuzuru will ask for something a little different. 

They’re both keyed up from the last show of this year’s Fantasy on Ice tour. Javi could feel the change in energy the moment he slipped into Yuzuru’s hotel room and Yuzuru had been on him immediately, barely even sparing Javi a moment to slip out of his shoes and jacket. 

“Hello to you, too,” Javi half laughs into Yuzuru’s warm mouth. 

“Hello,” Yuzuru says, pulling back for just long enough to palm Javi’s chest through his shirt. “I waiting for you. I thinking maybe Javi decide to stay out longer after all.”

Javi shakes his head. Everyone had gathered in the hotel bar for celebratory drinks when the show ended, Javi and Yuzuru included. It had been nice, one last hurrah at the end of another successful run of shows before everyone went back to their respective lives. Yuzuru had stuck around for a surprisingly long time before bailing off with the excuse of wanting to get some sleep. In an attempt to keep up appearances, Javi had waited another forty minutes, at least, before also making his escape upstairs. 

“Sorry. I couldn’t get away from Stèphane,” Javi says, following after Yuzuru when he begins to walk them backwards towards his bed. “Some of the boys are going out into Niigata, wanted me to join them.”

That makes Yuzuru pause where he’s pulling Javi’s shirt from out of his jeans. 

“You want to go?”

Javi shakes his head and places his hands on Yuzuru’s chest. It only takes a soft push to send Yuzuru toppling to the bed and he lands with a soft _oof._ Javi follows, climbing onto the bed and straddling Yuzuru’s thighs. 

Yuzuru is smiling and he reaches out for Javi again, hands immediately going up his shirt to stroke along Javi’s chest. Goosebumps spring up everywhere Yuzuru touches and Javi sighs. They don’t get to spend much time together like this, away from competitions and training, expectation and the media. Here, it’s just the two of them, just Yuzuru and Javier, and as fun as it would have been to go and get drunk with Johnny and Stèphane and the others, Javi isn’t about to pass up a chance to spend the evening alone with Yuzuru. 

It doesn’t take them long to undress each other. Javi kisses every bit of naked skin that he can reach, tickling Yuzuru with his tongue and teeth, twisting Yuzuru’s nipple between his fingers when he reaches down between them to take Javi in hand. 

“Tonight, I thinking,” Yuzuru starts. Javi is only half listening, too absorbed in the way Yuzuru is teasing him, using his thumb to draw Javi’s foreskin back slowly and then rubbing his thumb along the underside of Javi’s cock. It’s the sweetest possible torture. “Maybe I fuck you?”

Yuzuru’s hand doesn’t still and Javi feels his breath catch. They don’t do it this way often and never during the season, but occasionally Yuzuru will ask uncertainly, as though Javi is going to say no to him. 

“Yeah,” Javi breathes. He leans down to kiss Yuzuru, feels the smile against his own lips. Yuzuru closes his hand over the crown of Javi’s cock and Javi pushes up into him, grinding against the smooth skin of Yuzuru’s palm. “Yeah, please.”

They separate long enough for Yuzuru to roll away and grab some lube. By the time he returns Javi is on his stomach, head resting on his forearms as his heart pounds wildly in his chest. 

“So pretty, Javi,” Yuzuru murmurs from behind him, his voice soft. Javi smiles fondly, teeth digging into his bottom lip as Yuzuru strokes both hands down his back. Yuzuru’s hands are always warm and they leave a trail of sparks in their wake tonight, searing pleasantly everywhere they touch. Javi lifts his hips when Yuzuru pauses at the base of his back and he gets the hint quickly, as he always does, cupping Javi’s ass with one hand and spreading his legs with the other. 

Yuzuru is as thorough and focused in this as he is everything and it isn’t long before he’s worked three slicked fingers into Javi. 

“Shit, yeah, that’s it,” Javi groans. Yuzuru is only slight but Javi loves the way he feels inside him, even when it’s just his fingers. Javi feels him shift, feels Yuzuru’s skin slide against his, and his whole body trembles. It would be nice to do this more, part of Javi thinks, but the rarity of Yuzuru’s desire for it makes it all the more enjoyable on the rare occasions that they do. 

Yuzuru works him open for a little longer, rubbing up against Javi’s prostate with the tips of his fingers until Javi is lifting his hips with every movement, squirming against the bed. “I’m ready, come on,” Javi finally says. Yuzuru obeys, carefully sliding his fingers out. Javi feels the mattress dip as he moves, hears the lube being flicked open once more, and he rolls onto his back to watch Yuzuru slick himself up. The head of his cock is flushed the same pretty pink as his cheeks. 

Javi waits until Yuzuru’s done and then he pushes himself up. “Let me,” he says, reaching out for Yuzuru. Javi takes Yuzuru by both biceps, flips them over, and Yuzuru lets him, staring up at Javi with wide, dark eyes. There’s a half smile on his lips as Javi swings a leg over his hips and seats himself across his thighs. 

Usually, when they have sex, Yuzuru takes the lead and Javi is more than happy to follow, to do whatever it is that Yuzuru wants. It’s a rush all of its own, being pinned by that fierce gaze, being told what to do, but Javi loves it all the same when Yuzuru lets go, when he lets Javi take care of him. 

Javi keeps his gaze on Yuzuru as he shifts in his lap, as he reaches behind himself to take hold of Yuzuru’s cock. Javi strokes him a few times, delights in the way that Yuzuru’s eyelids flutter, before Javi begins to guide him in. He takes his time, slowly easing into the stretch, and the way Yuzuru breathes out of his name when Javi finally bottoms out is more than a little gratifying. 

“Yeah?” Javi asks, bringing his hand back around to rest on his own thigh. He wriggles his hips, lifting up just an inch before sitting back down, and they both moan. 

“Yeah. So good, Javi.” Yuzuru’s hands slide up his thighs before coming to rest on his hips and Javi smiles as goosebumps spring up beneath the touch. Yuzuru continues to hold there as Javi starts to move, rocking his hips in a slow, lazy rhythm that has Yuzuru’s nails digging into his skin. 

“ _Javi_ ,” he whines. Javi feels Yuzuru’s legs move beneath him, feels Yuzuru plant his feet against the mattress and then push up into him. The shift presses Yuzuru’s cock up against his prostate and Javi bears down, chasing after the sensation. 

“That’s it, Yuzu,” Javi breathes. Yuzuru’s hands feel like they’re everywhere, moving restlessly over his hips and waist, sliding down to squeeze his ass hard as Javi begins to ride him in earnest. “Shit, baby, you feel so good.”

Yuzuru’s hips jerk at the endearment and Javi laughs, surging down to crush their mouths together. He remembers the first time he called Yuzuru that, careless and almost without thought when they’d been making out on Javi’s couch back in Toronto. Yuzuru had gone rigid against him but when Javi pulled away, afraid he’d crossed some kind of boundary Yuzuru hadn’t been comfortable with, not in those early days, Yuzuru’s eyes had been dark with desire. 

He looks much the same now, Javi thinks, as he draws away from the kiss. Yuzuru tries to chase after him and Javi indulges him with one last sharp peck before he pulls back. Yuzuru grips his ass harder, knuckles digging in, and Javi wonders whether he’ll press hard enough to leave a mark, red little indents across Javi’s skin in the shape of his fingers. Caught at the right moment, Yuzuru can be pushy and demanding in bed, unafraid to tell Javi what he wants, but he’s rarely rough, rarely loses himself enough to grab at Javi like this, to drag his hands over Javi’s body so that he can really feel it. 

Yuzuru gasps again, breathes out his name, and Javi rocks back into the grip on his ass, feels Yuzuru grip him harder. “That good for you, too, Yuzu?” Javi asks, his own voice trembling, his body taut and tight as he lifts himself up, strong thighs bunching before he lowers himself back down. “You like the way I feel around you, baby?” 

“Yes. Yeah, Javi know I like it- _ah_.” Yuzuru throws his head back, baring his neck, and Javi doesn’t refuse the invitation. He braces his palms flat on Yuzuru’s belly and leans forward to kiss the exposed stretch of skin, mouthing over Yuzuru’s Adam’s apple, his clavicle, nosing against the throbbing pulse of his heartbeat. Not hard enough to bruise, never somewhere this visible, no matter how much Javi might like to. Yuzuru’s skin is clammy and Javi can taste the salty tang of sweat beneath his tongue, can feel the way Yuzuru’s entire throat tightens when he moans, long and loud.

“Javi, I’m-“ Yuzuru says, shuddering as he lapses into quick, sharp Japanese. Javi licks a stripe up Yuzuru’s neck, all the way to his jaw, and kisses there once before pushing himself back upright. The angle presses Yuzuru’s cock into his prostate and it’s Javi who’s moaning this time, eyelids fluttering as he bears down. 

“Me too. God, Yuzu, me too.” Javi can feel himself starting to slip, that telltale tightness coiling in the pit of his stomach, but he isn’t ready to let go, not yet. Yuzuru is glorious like this, his silky hair fanned out across the pillow beneath his head. One of his hands has wandered between Javi’s ass cheeks and Javi’s whole body flinches with pleasure when he feels Yuzuru’s fingers touch the puckered skin where Javi’s stretched around him. 

It’s so intimate, that touch, the way Yuzuru strokes the pads of his fingers almost reverently, that Javi can’t help but keen. Yuzuru’s gaze flickers up to his face and Javi laughs, breathless. He rocks down one last time, palms pressed hard against Yuzuru’s abs to support himself, muscles fluttering beneath Yuzuru’s touch, and that seems to be enough to push Yuzuru over the edge. 

His entire body tenses beneath Javi’s and he cries out, once, twice, the sound deep and raw in the back of his throat, before he’s coming. Seeing Yuzuru like this, clinging to Javi’s hip with one hand as he lets himself be taken over by his pleasure, is always overwhelming. His cheeks are flushed cherry blossom pink, his chest heaving, and it doesn’t take much more until Javi is coming, too, body curling up on itself as he takes himself in hand, fingers curling loosely around the head of his cock until Javi’s spilling into his own palm. 

The moment seems to last both an age and mere nanoseconds. One minute Javi is watching Yuzuru crumble beneath him and the next he’s smiling up at Javi, dopey and blissful. He reaches for Javi’s hand with both of his own and Javi shudders, his spent cock twitching weakly against his thigh, when Yuzuru licks his palm clean. 

When he’s done, Javi’s hand shiny with spit, Yuzuru helps Javi out of his lap. Release leaks out of him when he moves, running down the insides of his thighs. “I’m a mess,” Javi says with a laugh. He’s still braced on his knees and Javi wants nothing more than to flop down onto the bed, to bathe in the afterglow with Yuzuru like they get to do so very rarely, but he daren’t make such an obvious mess of Yuzuru’s sheets. 

“Wait,” Yuzuru says. He climbs off the bed and Javi is more than a little gratified when he sees the way Yuzuru’s legs wobble on his way to the bathroom. He comes back laden down with towels but when Javi reaches out a hand to take one he tuts and dumps all but one of them on the bed. “I do it for you, come here.”

Yuzuru is gentle as he cleans Javi up, brushing the fluffy hotel towel between Javi’s legs in careful, considered strokes that have Javi squirming with ticklish laughter. Yuzuru gives him an exasperated look, but his eyes are curved up into little crescents that betray his amusement. After a quick once over of himself, Yuzuru meticulously folds the towels into two separate piles on the floor. Javi gazes up at him from where he’s finally reclined on Yuzuru’s bed. 

“Join me,” he says, patting the space next to him, and Yuzuru does. His long body slots perfectly beneath Javi’s arm and Javi sighs, his breath ruffling Yuzuru’s hair up off his forehead. 

“Good noise?” Yuzuru asks, though Javi suspects, from the way his eyebrows are quirked, that he already knows the answer. 

Javi hums in response. He lays a hand on Yuzuru’s chest, stokes his palm over warm, bare skin, before sliding it down to Yuzuru’s muscled tummy and resting it there. Yuzuru watches him the whole time, his dark eyes considering, even when they’re still molten with pleasure. Even when he’s like this, loose limbed and lazy, Javi can see the warrior that’s lurking, never far from the surface. It sends a shiver down his spine. 

“It’s been a good run of shows this year. Even better than last year,” Javi says eventually. “It’s been a great summer, actually.”

They’d been tentatively figuring things out this time last year, working out where they each stood and what they wanted from each other. There had been a certain excitement in that, an illicitness and a thrill in sneaking into each other’s hotel rooms whenever they were touring together, figuring out what each other liked, mapping inches of previously uncharted skin. But there’s something about this, where they are now, that Javi likes even more. There’s a comfort in Yuzuru now, a familiarity beyond anything that they ever had when they were just training partners. 

Yuzuru doesn’t say anything for a long moment. Javi looks down at his hand, where his fingers are stroking over the dip of Yuzuru’s bellybutton. He feels Yuzuru shift against him, feels a thumb tilt his chin back up. 

“Very great,” Yuzuru says. He wrinkles his nose as he smiles. “I think maybe best we do.”

Yuzuru presses his thumb against the bow of Javi’s lips and then presses in close to kiss him. Javi relents beneath it easily, allows Yuzuru to draw his bottom lip into his mouth and suck on it until they’re both breathless when they part. 

“I also think maybe most fun summer in long time.”

Yuzuru stays close after that, burrowing his face into Javi’s neck. It has been fun, but tiring, too, the long schedule of shows taking its toll on both of them, and Javi feels it as Yuzuru starts to go soft against him, his breathing slowly evening out until he’s snoring softly. Javi holds Yuzuru tighter, their legs tangled together. Javi can smell the clean honey scent of shampoo in Yuzuru’s hair as he presses a final kiss to the crown of his head and closes his own eyes. 

Their lives are uncertain and changeable, Javi knows that, has known it for a long time. But this thing with Yuzuru, this relationship that they’ve managed to piece together despite everything they have against them, feels real. 

Reality beckons after tonight, a return to their regular routines in Toronto before the season kicks off again, looming sooner rather than later. But Javi knows, no matter what the coming year brings, they will always have this moment, and so many others, bits of happiness stolen and fought for, that not even time will ever be able to take away. 

 

 

 

 

 

_Tres_

Yuzuru is on Javi’s couch by the time he gets back from training. 

It happens like this every now and again. Since his injury, Javi hasn’t seen much of Yuzuru. That in itself isn’t all that strange; this is an Olympic year, after all. If Yuzuru had been fully fit they would have been training separately anyway, each of them focused on their own goals. But Yuzuru isn’t fully fit, he’s injured badly enough that he can’t even skate. Javi knows there are serious doubts he’ll even make it to Pyeongchang. 

He’s rehabilitating instead, which apparently for Yuzuru involves coming over to Javi’s apartment while he’s training at the Cricket Club. Javi doesn’t mind. He needs to focus on his skating, on getting himself on that podium when the Olympics finally comes around, but it’s still nice to see Yuzuru. It’s the silence, he’d told Javi once when he’d asked why he snuck round while Javi wasn’t home. It helps him to concentrate on the anatomy studies he’s picked up since his fall at NHK, his enforced time off ice. Javi can understand that to a degree, although he isn’t sure how rowdy it can really get at the condo Yuzuru shares with his mother, but he never questions it. If coming over here with his textbooks to sit quietly on Javi’s couch with Effie curled up by his side will help then Javi has no problem with it. 

There’s an atmosphere when Javi steps through the door today, though. 

“Hello, Yuzu,” he calls from the doorway as he drops his bag in the hall and toes off his shoes. 

Yuzuru answers with a mumbled hi of his own but he doesn’t turn around. Javi shrugs it off and goes straight to his bedroom to change. When he comes back out Yuzuru is still where Javi left him, his foot wrapped in ice and propped on the edge of Javi’s coffee table. Yuzuru has his head buried in a book. It’s all in Japanese but Javi sees a detailed diagram of a leg, the musculature beneath the skin, when he leans over the arm of the couch to scratch Effie behind the ears. 

Effie mews and stands, butting her head into the palm of Javi’s hand and it’s only then that Yuzuru looks up from his book. He doesn’t say a word, just drags his gaze over Javi, top to toe like he’s scrutinising, and Javi feels strangely laid bare when Yuzuru turns away. Yuzuru goes back to scribbling notes in the margin of his book and Javi is about to turn away, go and make himself some dinner and leave him to it, when he sees a grey pole protruding out between the coffee table and the couch. 

“You’re back on crutches?” Javi asks, blurting the question out without pausing to think. 

Yuzuru’s pen pauses for a fraction of a second before he continues writing. “Yes.”

Javi stays silent for a second as he allows that to sink in. 

“Shit,” Javi curses. “What happened? Are you alright?”

Yuzuru had been on crutches immediately after his fall. Javi remembers the first time he’d seen him on them, when he’d come back to Canada after weeks of appointments with specialists in Japan. Javi had wanted to cry, seeing Yuzuru like that, drawn and afraid and in pain. They’d gotten used to it, though, as much as Javi would ever want to, and a few weeks ago Yuzuru had been given the all clear by his doctors to stop using them. Javi thought that meant he was getting better, but obviously he’d been wrong. 

Yuzuru sighs and puts his pen down again. He marks his place in his text book and closes it. 

“Doctor, she say,” Yuzuru pauses. Javi watches as he fingers the corners of his book, flicking the dog eared cover over and over. Javi frowns. “I’m not sure in English, but she say that ankle is still very swelling. No, very-“ Yuzuru scowls but Javi knows better than to help him, not when he’s worked up and prickly like this. He’d see it as a correction, as Javi wielding a skill over him, so Javi bites his tongue and lets Yuzuru search. 

“Ankle is swelling and condition is not good. Is hurting all time, always. Doctor say I’m not resting well. I have to more rest, more, so she put me back on the crutch and give me more tablets for pain.”

Javi heaves a huge, deep breath in through his nose and exhales it slowly. He scratches Effie’s neck once more before speaking. 

“Yuzu, that’s bad. You have to listen to your doctors. You have to stop being so stubborn.” 

Javi regrets the words almost as soon as he says them, but even more so when Yuzuru turns that cold gaze onto him again. Yuzuru eyes are so expressive and usually when they’re on Javi they’re filled with warmth, laughter, even love, but right now there’s none of that. Yuzuru’s gaze is sharp and angry. He doesn’t like what Javi’s saying but Javi knows he needs to hear it. 

“Is not stubborn. Is focus. I only have small time and then ankle must be ready.” Yuzuru looks away, glaring as his foot. Javi takes the opportunity to study his face. There are dark circles under his eyes and the soft line of his jaw is hard and tight. Javi aches for him. 

“Ready for what?” Javi asks even though deep in the pit of his stomach he knows the answer. But surely even Yuzuru, as strong willed as he is, can’t honestly think that he’ll be ready for the Olympics, not when he can’t even walk. 

Yuzuru turns again, staring Javi down. 

“Olympics.” 

Javi’s stomach lurches. His hand has stilled on Effie’s back and he startles when she moves out from under it, slinking her way back over to Yuzuru. She settles on his lap, heedless of the growing tension between the two of them. Yuzuru doesn’t even flinch. 

“Yuzu,” Javi starts carefully. He feels distinctly like he’s toeing the line of Yuzuru’s wrath and one wrong word here will tip him over the edge of the abyss. “The Olympics are less than two months away. You’re not even training. You can’t even _walk._ You must be able to see how insane this is?”

“I know when Olympics is,” Yuzuru says slowly. “Ankle will be ready. Must be ready, have no choice. Must be there to defend title.”

Javi squeezes the bridge of his nose, feels the air rush through his body as he breathes in deeply. He can hardly believe what he’s hearing and yet somehow this isn’t surprising, not from Yuzuru, who is hyper competitive to the point of self destruction. 

“Can’t you see what a huge risk you’d be taking, trying to skate when you’re not ready? You could do irreparable damage, Yuzu. You could end your career. I know the Olympics are important but don’t you think you should be looking at the bigger picture?”

It’s silent between them for a long moment, the sound of Effie purring and the distant noise of traffic far below the only sounds in Javi’s tiny apartment. Finally Yuzuru speaks.

“Why you don’t want me at Olympics, Javi?” 

The question is startling and Javi blinks, eyelashes fluttering, but Yuzuru ploughs on before he has a chance to answer. 

“I am Javi’s greatest competition, yes? Better for Javi if I’m not there. Maybe thinking if I sit at home watching on television then you can win gold medal instead?” 

Javi chokes, shellshocked. Yuzuru can be nasty when he’s hurt, his frustrations and his fears twisted and forced outwards, onto the people closest to him. Javi tries not to take it personally and most the time he doesn’t, is excellent at letting Yuzuru’s sharp tongue bounce right off him. But not this time. Javi can’t believe he would even consider the thought that Javi would want him to miss a competition so that he might win, that Javi might prefer he were injured. After everything they’ve been through together, after all the years they’ve cheered each other on. 

“You honestly think so?” Javi says, his voice deliberately kept soft. He takes a step away and doesn’t remind Yuzuru that he can win gold whether he’s there or not. He’s done it before, after all. “You think I like to see you like this? You think that I see you hobbling on your crutches and think good, this is good, that’s one competitor out of my way?”

Yuzuru angles his head away from Javi, chin up, but he stays silent. Javi feels his blood boil. 

“Answer me,” Javi snaps, sharper than he ever is around Yuzuru. Yuzuru says nothing. “ _Answer me_ , Yuzuru. Because if you really think I care so little for you that I would rather see you-“

“No.” Javi stops mid-flow, the words stuttering and dying on his tongue. They’ve never argued like this, never, not as partners and not in all the years before that, either, and Javi can’t believe that Yuzuru is so stubborn, so pig headed, that he’d rather push Javi away, would risk ending his career, than admit that he’s scared, that he might not be ready. “No,” Yuzuru says again, but it’s weaker this time, watery and stretched thin, and even though he has his face turned away Javi can see that his eyes have gone glassy. 

“Yuzu,” Javi starts, uncertain, but Yuzu cuts him off. 

“No, I don’t think.” Yuzuru presses both palms to his eyes and curses, low and rough, in Japanese, and Javi can’t help but laugh. Yuzuru rounds on him, his eyes red and furious. 

“What is funny?” 

Javi holds both hands out and finally moves from the arm of the couch to sit next to Yuzuru. 

“Nothing. Nothing is funny.” Yuzuru is still scowling at him as Javi lowers his hands down to his lap. “It’s just, I know that one. That curse. I should wash your mouth out with soap.”

Yuzuru stares at him for another second and then just like that the tension eases. Javi almost visibly sees the anger seep out of him. Yuzuru plays with his hands, twisting his fingers, and then lowers his eyes. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean it, what I say. About injury.” 

Yuzuru doesn’t apologise often but the apologies, when they do come, are all the sweeter for it. Javi takes the olive branch with both hands. 

“Thank you,” Javi says. Yuzuru is sniffling beside him, Effie still curled comfortably on his lap. Javi isn’t sure whether he should touch him or not, whether Yuzuru has softened quite that far. He feels suddenly exhausted himself, his entire body aching. He should just be focusing on himself, his own condition, not worrying about Yuzuru as well, but this is the way they have always been. Javi is his own man and his own skater, but Yuzuru’s career has somehow, along the way, become almost as important to Javi as his own, and it would be disingenuous to act now as though it hasn’t, as though going to the Olympics without Yuzuru doesn’t terrify him.

“Doctor say, maybe one month until I can skate, maybe more. Jumping,” Yuzuru shrugs. “Maybe much longer.” Javi watches him as he looks down, scratching Effie gently behind the ears. She purrs and pushes her head into the touch. “I-” Yuzuru starts, halting. His fingers fold into Effie’s fur. “I am very scared, Javi. Is so much pain. I don’t want to use pain killer but Brian saying I must listen to doctor, if she say I should then I should, just for now, until ankle is better. I just want- body must be better. I must go to Korea but now I’m scared I can’t.”

Yuzuru takes a great, heaving breath and Javi does reach out for him this time, shuffling along the couch until they’re pressed side to side. Yuzuru feels solid and warm against him but his palm is clammy when Javi reaches out to take his hand. 

“I know you’re scared, cariño,” Javi says. He has his fingers tangled between Yuzuru’s and he hears Yuzuru sigh as Javi rubs gentle circles into his knuckles. The skin around the pads of his fingers is ever so slightly rough and it catches over the smooth expanse of Yuzuru’s, the delicate tendons and ligaments of his hand. “I’d think you were crazy if you weren’t.” 

Javi takes Yuzuru’s hand in both of his, then. “I know things have been different with us this season, training separately, but that doesn’t mean- Yuzu, you can still talk to me about this stuff. Needing my own space to work doesn’t mean that I don’t care, or that I don’t want you to feel like you can come to me, if you need to. I’m your rival, Yuzu, but I’ll never be your enemy.”

Yuzuru swallows audibly, his throat bobbing. “I know. I _know_ , Javi always being kind even for me-“ Yuzuru shakes his head, glancing up at the ceiling as he arranges the words in his head. He’s like this often when he returns to Toronto after an extended stay in Japan, his words coming more slowly than when he left. “Kind to me,” Yuzuru corrects himself, “even when sometimes I think he shouldn’t. Even when sometimes I don’t deserve.”

“I care about you, cariño.” Javi squeezes Yuzuru’s hand between his and then lifts it, pressing his mouth to Yuzuru’s knuckles. Yuzuru is watching him and when Javi looks up to meet his gaze his dark eyes are rich with all the warmth and tenderness that had been missing earlier. The tightness in Javi’s chest breaks and falls away. “That’s why I want you to look after yourself, alright?” Javi lowers their hands but doesn’t let go. “I won’t- I’m not your coach so I can’t tell you what to do, but if you keep pushing your ankle before it’s ready then you’ll risk missing more than Pyeongchang.”

There’s a fire in Yuzuru’s eyes, still, burning bright and defiant. But he smiles, a small rueful quirk of the lips, and nods. “Brian say the same to me. I just want so much and I tell Brian and he say if I want then I rest and later we see.” Yuzuru wiggles his toes, shifting his foot beneath the ice pack. 

“Brian’s right.” Yuzuru wrinkles his nose and Javi laughs, loud and boisterous, releasing the last of his nervous tension. Effie turns to look at him, the disgust obvious on her little face. “Don’t tell him I said that.” Yuzuru raises the pinky on his free hand and bows his head. “But he is. Trust him and your team and your doctors. They know what they’re doing and if they can get you fit they will do but you have to do as they say, okay?” Yuzuru nods again, lips pursed. “I want you there, Yuzuru.” Javi says, lifting Yuzu’s hand to kiss it again. “I want you there, fully fit, so that I can beat you fair and square.”

Yuzuru squawks, yanking his hand free from Javi’s hold. “You are worst man around,” he says, attempting a pout, but the corners of his sweet, full mouth are pulling up and up, even as he pushes Javi hard on the arm.

Javi hums in response and extracts himself from the sofa. “I’m going to go and make myself some dinner. Are you staying? Would you like the worst man around to make you something, too?” Javi has to take care not to trip over Yuzuru’s crutches as he stands and he pauses, nudging them with his toe. “How did you even get over here? Please tell me you didn’t take the subway all the way from your place with those things.”

Yuzuru rolls his eyes. “No,” he says, pulling the word until it’s syrupy in his mouth. All of the atmosphere from earlier is gone, shed like an overgrown skin, and Javi will forever be amazed by how quickly Yuzuru can work himself both in and out of a funk. “Mum brings me in her car. She pack me a bento in a bag in your kitchen, say if I stay without telling you I shouldn’t make trouble.”  
Yuzuru moves like he’s going to stand, dislodging Effie from his lap. Javi waves for him to sit back down. 

“Don’t get up,” Javi says, stepping in close to curl his palm around the nape of Yuzuru’s neck. Yuzuru huffs but does as he’s told, for once. “I’ll cook for myself then I’ll bring your dinner and we can eat together, okay?” 

Yuzuru nods and Javi threads his fingers through his thick hair, scratches there with the blunt tips of his nails, before making towards the kitchen. Effie hops off the couch, following after him with her tail held aloft, and the pair of them are nearly at the kitchen before Yuzuru calls out his name. He sounds ever so slightly uncertain and when Javi turns around he’s shifted, his upper body twisted so that he can keep his foot elevated but still look Javi straight in the eye. 

“Thank you,” Yuzuru says simply, dipping his head in the best approximation of a bow he can whilst half twisted over himself on Javi’s couch. Yuzuru looks like he wants to say more but he needn’t, not when Javi can understand everything he’s trying to say without needing him to fumble for the words in English. 

Javi smiles fondly and Yuzuru dips his head further, bottom lip sucked right into his mouth. “Anything for you,” Javi says, delighting in the furious flush that stains Yuzuru’s cheeks as he turns back around and hefts his textbook into his lap. Effie is weaving around his ankles, mewing, and Javi directs his smile down at her now, instead, dragging it away from the back of Yuzuru’s head. 

“Are you hungry too, hm, my sweet girl?” Javi coos in Spanish. “Come on, let’s prepare some dinner for you, as well.” Effie’s paws thump on the floor as she follows Javi into the kitchen and if Javi throws one last, quick, look at Yuzuru over his shoulder before the door closes, then that’s between him and his cat. 

Javi might need to focus on himself this season, might need to focus on the end goal of finally getting onto that Olympic podium in the twilight of his career. But if he can do little things to help Yuzuru along the way, like bringing him his dinner and lending him an ear, well, those are small sacrifices that Javi has never, ever minded making for the ones he loves. 

 

 

 

 

 

_Quatro_

The media frenzy after the Olympics is like nothing Javi has ever experienced before. 

He’s been on the circuit a long time and he’s dealt with a lot. Javi has had to give interviews when all he wanted was to pass out with exhaustion or hide away after a bad skate, he’s had cameras far too close to his face after becoming world champion. But medalling at the Olympics is a different kettle of fish altogether, and Javi didn’t even _win_. 

He wonders, as Spanish reporters that have never given him the time of day before, probably didn’t even know his name before Pyeongchang, clamour for his attention, if this is what it feels like to be Yuzuru. 

Of course none of Javi’s experiences can ever truly compare to what Yuzuru has to go through on a near daily basis. But still, as he gives what feels like his one hundredth interview of the day, he can’t help but think of Yuzuru. Yuzuru who so much as blows his nose and the whole of Japan takes notice. Yuzuru who needed bodyguards to get him safely through the airport when they landed in Korea, who deals with his fair share of negative press in the midst of the hundreds of thousands that adore him. 

Javi has always been aware of this. It’s an inescapable part of being encapsulated in Yuzuru’s world, of being part of his inner circle, but Javi feels a sudden, overwhelming rush of sympathy for his partner when he leaves his last interview, bone deep exhausted and ready for a lie down. This is transient for Javi, he knows that. He hopes with all his heart that he can raise the profile of figure skating back home, that people in Spain will _finally_ start to take notice, but Javi is also fully aware that this level of attention will only last for as long as the Olympic furore does. In a few months this will all be over and Javi will go back to being as good as anonymous. 

It will never end for Yuzuru. 

When his media commitments are over Javi is finally able to go and join his family for a small, private celebration. They go to a place just around the corner from the Olympic village, so tiny that there are only two other tables of customers. The four of them crowd around the table, packed so tightly that Javi’s shoulders are pressed against his sister’s, and it feels _good_ , it feels so good, that Javi is almost tipped over the edge into tears. Somehow, Javi manages to hold it together, even when his mother tells him through her own how much she loves him, or when his father tells Javi how proud he is. Javi doesn’t even cry when Laura hauls him in close for a hug, the bronze of his medal glinting where it hangs around her neck, but it’s a close run thing. 

After dinner, Javi takes his family back to their hotel and then heads back to the village.There’s a light scattering of snow on the ground and Javi leaves crunching footsteps in his wake as he trudges over to the hotel of the Japanese Olympic delegation. Javi’s pass gets him into the building with only minimal questioning and Javi imagines that Yuzuru arranged for it to be that way, because for Yuzuru even something as mundane as having visitors requires careful management. 

Javi doesn’t have to wait long once he knocks for Yuzuru to answer. He smiles serenely at Javi until he steps over the threshold and pulls the door shut behind him, locking the two of them in, before flinging himself into Javi’s arms. 

“Javi,” Yuzuru breathes into his neck. His voice is shaky, stretched thin, and almost as desperate as the fingers Javi can feel digging into his shoulder blades, his nape, the hair on the back of his head. 

They stay like that for what feels like an age, Yuzuru clinging to him like he’s afraid Javi is going to disappear, like if he lets go the last twenty four hours will turn out to have been a fever dream. Javi understands the fear entirely. 

“Yuzu,” Javi whispers, his breath tickling the shell of Yuzuru’s ear. “Let’s sit down, okay?”

Yuzuru nods into his neck and pulls away reluctantly. 

Now that his arms aren’t full of Yuzuru, Javi can see his hotel room properly. They’d kept themselves apart mostly, reflecting their new routine in Toronto, so this is the first time Javi has been up here, this competition. There are so many little familiar touches that mark this as Yuzuru’s space, though, even if it is only temporary. Yuzuru’s yoga mat is rolled and propped up in the corner, his necklaces and bracelets arranged meticulously on top of the dresser. Javi spies Pooh on the edge of the bedside cabinet, angled so that he’d be looking over Yuzuru as he sleeps. 

The open box containing an Olympic gold medal is a new addition. 

Javi goes to it, fingering the edge of the lid. The velvet is soft against his fingers. Javi doesn’t even think before trailing lower, over the ribbon and then down to the medal itself, the gold almost singing beneath his touch. 

Yuzuru steps up beside him silently and he’s smiling that gentle smile again as he watches Javi caress his medal. Wordlessly he reaches past Javi and pulls his medal out of the box. The moment stretches, tense and fragile, as Yuzuru gazes down at the gold in his hands, before he manoeuvres himself to stand in front of Javi and drape the medal carefully around Javi’s neck. 

“Yuzuru,” Javi chokes. His chest feels tight, his heart thundering beneath the medal. Yuzuru just shakes his head, still smiling, like the expression is fixed to his face.

“I’m so happy, Javi,” Yuzuru whispers. He closes his eyes for a moment and when he opens them again the expression there carries more weight than the medal hanging from Javi’s neck. “I want more than anything, coming here, to be champion again. To win gold.” He fingers the medal briefly, lifting it into his palm before dropping it back on Javi’s chest with a thunk that rattles his ribs. “Almost as much, nearly more, I want for Javi be on podium with me, too.”

Javi had valiantly fought off his tears earlier but he feels them stinging at his eyes now, hot and wet. Yuzuru is a good man, kind and generous and friendly, but he skates to win, he always has done. It’s what makes him such a great champion. It’s impossible to reach the heights Yuzuru has without being incredibly selfish and while Yuzuru is far too decent to have ever stepped on anyone on his way to the top, he has certainly mastered the art of victory at all costs. 

It’s a testament to Yuzuru’s inherent goodness that he can say that with a straight face and that Javi can believe him. 

“When Javi come to me in waiting area, knowing you got medal, I thinking-“ Yuzuru heaves a great, deep breath and that’s when Javi realises he’s crying again. They’re both stood here in Yuzuru’s hotel room, Javi with the gold he didn’t win around his neck, in tears. “Is worth pain, is worth risk to ankle, is worth all hard work to be here, in this moment, with you. Is everything I want.”

“Nene.” Javi’s voice trembles around the word. He feels a tear leak out, streak down his face, but he ignores it in favour of reaching out for Yuzuru. He cups both of Yuzuru’s cheeks in his palms and wipes his tears away with his thumbs. Yuzuru is still smiling, damn him, and Javi leans forward to press their foreheads together. They stay like that for a moment, heads together. Javi can feel Yuzuru shuddering against him, his shoulders trembling, tears soaking Javi’s hands. 

When Javi tilts his head to kiss Yuzuru his mouth tastes like salt.

“I love you so much, nene, you know that, don’t you?” Javi whispers against his lips. Yuzuru nods and Javi kisses him again, and again, until they’re both left panting when they pull apart. “I’m so proud of you.” 

“We both working hard this season,” Yuzuru says. He has his hands on Javi’s sides and Javi closes his eyes as Yuzuru runs his palms up and down, over his hips and ribs, his t-shirt dragging beneath them. Yuzuru’s right, of course he is. This hasn’t been Javi’s greatest season, not by a long shot. Finishing off the podium at Worlds last year had been bad enough but that feeling had spilt over, dogging Javi all the way through the new season. Javi had pushed through each disappointing result, each popped jump and embarrassing fall, dragging himself with blind determination towards the Olympics. It had all been worth it, Javi thinks, now that it’s all said and done. The extra hours at the rink, training apart from Yuzuru, barely seeing him. It has been one of the most difficult seasons of Javi’s entire career but also, by the end, his most satisfying. 

“Yeah,” Javi breathes. He opens his eyes and presses his forehead against Yuzuru’s. Yuzuru presses back, his hair falling down into Javi’s eyes. “Yeah, we did. It paid off, huh?”

Yuzuru laughs, soft and wet, and nods. 

“So proud of you Javi. You deserve everything.” Yuzuru angles his head down to kiss him and Javi sighs into it, dropping his hand down to the back of Yuzuru’s neck and clutching it. “Everything I have, it because of you. You make me better skater but better man, too. I thinking- I thinking-“ Yuzuru heaves another breath and pauses, like he’s trying to gather himself, gather the words. “Even if this end of one journey and Javi have to- have to go and start another one. I’m so happy we do all of this together.”

“I’m happy too,” Javi breathes out slowly. He cards his fingers into the hair at Yuzuru’s nape, anchoring himself. “I never would have won Worlds without you there to push me, making me work harder and be better all the time. I probably wouldn’t even be here now. Things would have been so different.” 

Yuzuru scrunches his nose and leans in to kiss Javi again. The kiss is slow and soft and lingering and Javi melts into it, Yuzuru’s tears smearing across his cheeks. When he pulls back Javi can see how red his eyes are. It’s likely Yuzuru has barely stopped crying since they left the ice but Javi understands. 

“Stay here tonight,” Yuzuru says, his lips brushing against Javi’s. “Stay with me.”

“Always,” Javi whispers against his mouth. He doesn’t even have to think about it, not when it comes to Yuzuru. There is so much more they have to discuss. Yuzuru was right, they’ve been together all this time, right up until this point, and now Javi has to go off on a journey of his own. Things will be different, for sure, and difficult, but that doesn’t mean they won’t be able to make this work. The two of them have made a career out of exceeding all expectations, after all. 

Tonight, though, isn’t about the future. Tonight is about right now, this moment, held precious and suspended in time. They fall into Yuzuru’s bed together, his gold medal returned safely to its velvet box. Yuzuru is solid and warm beside him and he sighs happily when Javi rolls onto his side and holds him closer, cradling Yuzuru between his arms. Hair tickles his nose when Javi presses a kiss to the crown of Yuzuru’s head but Javi pays it no mind. It’s an incredibly small price to pay to have Yuzuru here with him like this. 

Yuzuru falls asleep first and Javi isn’t surprised. If he’s bone deep exhausted then Yuzuru must be completely drained. Javi kisses his head again, inhales deeply. He closes his eyes, holds Yuzuru tighter, and allows himself the indulgence of lying in bed with his partner, here at the final act of their rivalry. 

Javi falls asleep with his face buried in Yuzuru’s hair and a fond smile playing about his lips. 

 

 

 

 

 

_Cinco_

Javi always thought he’d be happier when the time finally came to leave Canada. 

He’s been in Toronto for such a long time now that it’s become almost as much of a home to him as Madrid, a familiar and comfortable life carved out through necessity. Javi just never realised, not really, how much he’d be leaving behind when it came to retiring. 

True to form, he leaves most of his packing until the last minute. Instead Javi spends his last few weeks with the friends he’s accumulated through his time here. He’ll be back to train for Europeans, so it isn’t a final farewell, but that will just be a whistle stop tour, here for a few weeks to train for one last push, one last thing he wants to win, before he goes back to Spain for good. 

He sees Yuzuru a few times, in passing mostly, when Javi’s at the Cricket Club, but he’s always training and so Javi doesn’t bother him. Yuzuru doesn’t like to have his routine disturbed, Javi knows this better than almost anyone. They’ll see each other privately before Javi leaves, anyway. 

The day springs upon them sooner than Javi expects. 

Yuzuru comes over after training. He’s trailing his suitcase behind him when pauses in the entryway to Javi’s flat and toes off his shoes. The smile on his mouth is tight around the edges but he still presses himself against Javi’s chest when he leans in to kiss him hello. 

Javi orders take away while Yuzuru showers and they eat it together on the floor, legs spread out beneath Javi’s coffee table and Effie purring behind them on the sofa. It would feel almost normal, like any of their date nights, if it weren’t for the fact that most of Javi’s belongings are packed up into boxes and the air is thick with tension. They need to talk about it, Javi knows they do. He can’t jet off to Spain and leave Yuzuru likes this, stuck in limbo, without any idea of what the two of them are going to do from now on, but Javi doesn’t know where to start. 

Instead of attempting to break the ice, take that first step, Javi begins to clear up their dishes. Yuzuru offers to do it, to help, as always, and Javi’s heart clenches as he waves him away. This time tomorrow, Javi will be back in Madrid, thousands of miles away from Yuzuru, and Javi can already feel everything that they’ve built together twisting, shifting through his fingers like grains of sand into something he knows neither of them really feel prepared for. 

Javi rinses all of their takeaway cartons and takes his time separating them into the recycling. He’s putting it off, delaying it, pushing back the moment until he’s stood over the bin, foot on the pedal to keep it open but with nothing in his hands. Javi sighs. 

When he returns to the living room Yuzuru is still sat on the floor, his back pressed against the couch. He’d look almost relaxed, if it weren’t for the fact that Javi knows him so well, if it weren’t for the fact that Javi can see the tension lining his shoulders and the back of his neck even from where he’s stood, lingering near the kitchen door. 

“Yuzu?” Javi asks. Yuzuru whimpers and Javi is by his side in an instant. He lays a hand on Yuzuru’s shoulder and tries not to be hurt when Yuzuru attempts to pull away, twisting so that Javi can’t see his face. 

“Hey, where are you going?” Javi asks, shifting until his knees are either side of Yuzuru’s hips, bracketing him. “Yuzu.”

“No,” Yuzuru says, his voice thick and wet. “Selfish, so selfish.” 

“No, hey, you’re not selfish,” Javi says. Yuzuru has his hands over his face, the heels of his palms pressing down hard on his eyes. Javi reaches up and circles his fingers gently around Yuzuru’s wrists, but he doesn’t pull, just holds there, skin against skin. “Yuzu, please let me see your face.”

It takes a moment but eventually Yuzuru moves, lowering his hands. Javi tangles their fingers together. 

“I’m sorry,” Yuzuru starts. He isn’t looking at Javi but Javi’s looking at him, drinking in every single feature of his face, his long lashes and his soft chin, the way his lips curl around the words as he speaks. “I knowing- I _know_ , know for long time moment is coming but-“ Yuzuru’s voice hitches. “Is harder than I think, saying goodbye.”

Javi’s entire body melts and he pulls Yuzuru forward, wrapping him up in an embrace. Their legs tangle together and they’re so close that Javi can feel every shuddering breath Yuzuru takes, the rapid beat of his heart pounding against Javi’s ribs. 

“It’s not goodbye,” Javi says after a while. His lips brush over the dip of Yuzuru’s neck as he speaks and his mouth spreads into a wry smile when Yuzuru squirms. He’s always had a soft spot there, has always been sensitive to the rasp of Javi’s stubble against his skin. “I know we never spoke about it the way we should have, but you know that, don’t you? It’s not goodbye.”

Javi pulls back, just enough so that he can look Yuzuru in the eye as he speaks. Yuzuru gazes back at him, his dark eyes open and bare in his grief. Finally he nods. 

“Yeah. But I still-“ he pauses, pursing his lips. “Knowing doesn’t mean wanting. I want Javi to be happy, really, all I want but.” Yuzuru sighs. “I want Javi to stay, I want Javi here, in Toronto, with me, even if I know I shouldn’t. Selfish, but I don’t want Javi to leave.”

Javi hums. His hands are still on Yuzuru’s arms and he strokes up and down slowly, skating over the soft fabric of his hoodie. Javi wants to go home. He misses Spain, misses his family and friends and his old life there, with an intensity that aches right down in his bones, but there will always, always be a small part of him that wants nothing more than to stay here in Canada, by Yuzuru’s side. 

“Okay, maybe you’re a little selfish,” Javi says, keeping his voice soft so that Yuzuru knows he’s only teasing. “But love, that’s okay.” Yuzuru swallows hard and Javi smiles, leaning forward to press their mouths together in a soft, open kiss. Yuzuru presses in closer when Javi moves to pull away, curling his fingers into Javi’s t-shirt and kissing him once, twice, more before letting Javi speak again. 

“Don’t you think I want to be selfish, too?” Javi licks his lips and it’s difficult to tear his gaze away from Yuzuru’s mouth. “God, Yuzu. Not seeing you for months and months, it’s gonna be so hard. I’m gonna miss you so much.” Javi moves in, then, kissing Yuzuru again, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth and swallowing down the little sound that Yuzuru’s makes. They part with a wet smack. “But this is just- we both have things to do and they’re gonna keep us apart for a while, maybe a few years.”

“Going to be so hard,” Yuzuru says. His hand comes to rest on Javi’s knee and Javi sighs, low and needy, when Yuzuru strokes him. 

“Yeah.” Harder probably than both of them can even imagine, Javi thinks. But neither of them have ever done things the easy way, have never made a habit of backing down from a challenge just because it seemed too difficult. “But I believe in us. I believe that what we have between us, it’s special and important enough that it’s worth suffering for. Don’t you think?”

Silence stretches between them and for one heart stopping moment Javi thinks he’s gotten this all wrong. That maybe Yuzuru isn’t prepared to deal with the distance and the time difference and the constant unsatisfied longing. But then Javi looks at him, really looks, and all of his fears get swept aside under the force of Yuzuru’s stare. His eyes are steely and focused, the way they get before a skate. Javi feels his entire body shudder. 

“I know,” Yuzuru says, fierce, every inch the double Olympic champion and untouchable superstar; the kind, brave, unshakeable man that Javi has been in love with for the better part of his adult life. “Javi is worth all I can give,” Yuzuru says and he doesn’t even give Javi a second to process the enormity of what that means, coming from someone like him, before he’s kissing Javi again, and again. 

Javi groans, planting one hand on the floor behind him to support his weight as Yuzuru leans over him, half in his lap. He opens his mouth to speak when they part but Yuzuru hushes him. 

“Too much talking. Too much sad. If I not seeing Javi for months I don’t want waste.” 

Yuzuru stands, looming over Javi for a moment before he reaches down and helps Javi up. Javi goes easily, hands clasped as Yuzuru drags him down the hallway and to his bedroom. Yuzuru is right, as he so often is. Time has always been a precious commodity for the two of them and if Javi was going to be back in Spain by this time tomorrow, he fully intends to make the most of every moment they have left together. And if that means flying back to Spain on no sleep, with a crying cat nestled in her carrier between his feet, and the lingering salt of tears on his cheeks, then that’s a price that Javi is more than willing to pay. 

 

 

 

 

 

_Yuzu_

The end of season ice shows have always felt like a family reunion, but never more so than this year. It’s Javi’s first full season off the circuit and it’s been hard, harder than Javi could ever have prepared himself for. 

Moving back to Spain, being able to spend time with his family, actual time, sitting down with them for hours and catching up with their lives, hanging around downtown Madrid with old friends he hasn’t seen properly in years, it’s been amazing, and exactly what Javi wanted when he retired. But it’s been tough, too. 

Javi has always been good at relaxing, taking his time during the off season to enjoy himself, rest and recuperate, ready to head back to Toronto with the changing of the seasons and tackle another year of competitions. Except this year he didn’t have that. This year the temperatures had dropped but Javi had stayed with them, watching the city hunker down in preparation for winter. 

It’s not like he didn’t have things to occupy his time; interviews and clinics, workshops with local kids and his ice show. They’re all things that Javi loves and things he wants to do, but somehow without the monotony of training, the rush of competition, the whole year felt like it was lacking something. 

But then the season ends and Javi finds himself in Japan, surrounded by the people that he loves and all of the hustle and bustle that goes along with it. Javi throws himself into rehearsals, messes around with Tessa and Scott, claps and cheers as Rika throws herself across the ice, landing triple Axel after triple Axel. Yuzuru is never far from his side and Javi finds that he can’t keep his hands to himself, always touching Yuzuru somewhere, his arm or his waist, the back of his neck or the small of his back. They’re less subtle than they’ve ever been but Yuzuru doesn’t seem to mind, glowing with pleasure the way he is beneath the spotlights. 

Javi knew he was going to miss Yuzuru, but after a year of early morning Skype calls and emails answered weeks late, only the occasional short visit when Javi could find the time to return to Canada, it’s blissful to have Yuzuru within arms reach and Javi doesn’t intend to waste any of the time they have together. 

The first batch of shows in Makuhari go off without a hitch, the audience and the cast alike buzzing with the excitement of a new tour. Javi spends every night after the shows in Yuzuru’s hotel room, his own bed left cold and empty down the hall. Nobody says anything when they come down to breakfast together every morning, although Javi does catch Johnny and Stèphane exchanging sly smiles across the table.

Nobody says anything when the two of them head off to Sendai alone a day early, either. They take the earliest Shinkansen and make it all the way to Sendai, bleary eyed and starving, without attracting too much attention, and Javi sees the way Yuzuru relaxes when they step out of the station and into his city. Yuzuru looks more at home and more comfortable here than Javi thinks he’s ever seen him anywhere and he aches to be able to touch, to reach out and tangle their fingers together. But just being able to be close to Yuzuru like this, in his home, their shoulders brushing as they clamber into the back of a taxi together, after months apart, is more than enough for Javi. 

He’s allowed to touch to his heart’s content later, when they arrive at Yuzuru’s family home. Yuzuru’s mother is the first to come meet them and she greets Javi warmly, her English soft and lilting, her smile so familiar. Later they have dinner with Yuzuru’s father and sister, too, his grandparents. Everyone peppers Javi with questions, in a tumbling mix of English and Japanese, Yuzuru beaming by Javi’s side, one hand resting securely on Javi’s knee in plain view of his entire family as he plays translator.

After dinner, under the cover of darkness, they head over to the local rink. Yuzuru lets them in through the back door with a set of keys he procures from his pocket. “Nanami-sensei give them to me when I’m twenty,” Yuzuru explains proudly. “A gift, from everyone at rink.” 

They’d left their boots with the crew back in Makuhari, so the two of them lace themselves into rental skates and make their way onto the ice. They do a few laps, warming their bodies up, and then Yuzuru reaches out a hand. Javi takes it, lacing their fingers together, and they skate around together like that, hand in hand, until Javi’s ears and nose feel numb with the cold. 

It’s silly, Javi thinks, as he listens to Yuzuru sharing anecdotes. A year they’ve been apart, thousands of miles and an entire ocean between them. Going about their own lives, making space for each other as best they can with what little time they have. Lying in his bed in Madrid, Yuzuru’s voice tinny and static in his ear, longing, aching to be with him, to be able to touch him, kiss him, hold him close. It was a physical pain, at times, lodged deep in his chest like a knife between the ribs, the need to be with Yuzuru. 

But now, skating together like this, existing in the same time and the same place, as one, Javi knows it was all worth it. Yuzuru will go back to Toronto in the autumn, competing for another season, and Javi will return to Madrid, alone. The clock will reset but Javi will wait, for quiet moments like this, that make every second they’re forced to spend apart bearable. 

By the time the rest of the cast join them, Javi is sure he gives the game away every time he so much as looks in Yuzuru’s direction. There’s a definite vibe in the air, knowing that they’re in Yuzuru’s home town, knowing that people fought tooth and nail for tickets to the next few shows, just to see him. Yuzuru takes the responsibility with all the seriousness he’s famous for, practicing his jumps in every spare moment they have, picking himself up and brushing himself off every time he falls. Yuzuru is adored everywhere he goes, but nowhere has Javi ever seen him so determined to return that love as here in his home. 

Javi is hanging off to one side with Stèphane, the two of them stretching as they chat about the show tonight. Akiko and Nobu skate by and Javi watches them idly as they accost Yuzuru. He’d been stood motionless on the ice, lips moving faintly; a mental run through of his programme for the show, most likely. Nobu’s hands go around Yuzuru’s waist at the same time as Akiko grabs his hands, pulling them all into a spin. Yuzuru resists, a playful pout on his mouth, and his momentum sends the three of them sprawling into a laughing, gasping pile on the ice. 

“He looks happy,” Stèphane says. Javi jerks and turns, sheepish. He’d almost forgotten Stephane was there. 

“Yeah?” Javi can hear Yuzuru cursing in Japanese, Nobu answering in reply. He feels light and giddy. 

“Mm.” Stèphane is smiling at him, his eyes crinkled in the corners. Javi’s cheeks flare with sudden heat. “You do, too. Both of you look really happy.” 

There’s a screech and Javi turns in time to see Akiko extract herself from Yuzuru’s grasp. She climbs to her knees, laughing too hard to stand upright. Yuzuru catches his gaze and he reaches up, holding his arms out in Javi’s direction. 

“Hey, you!” Yuzuru calls. “Attacked, please help!” 

Javi sees Nobu and Akiko share a significant look before he turns to make his excuses. Before he can even open his mouth, Stèphane is shaking his head. “I think you’re needed elsewhere. Go on.” He squeezes Javi’s neck once, fingers warm against his nape, and then he’s gone, leaving Javi on his own, suspended for a second, two, before he glides over. 

Yuzuru grins up at him, mouth open, teeth bared, then splutters when Javi grinds to a halt next to them, showering Yuzuru with ice. 

Nobu laughs, delighted, and ruffles Yuzuru’s hair with one hand before he gets to his feet, too. He smiles at Javi, bows his head, and says “all yours now,” before skating off with Akiko, their heads bent together as they whisper in Japanese too rapid for Javi to ever have any hope of following. 

Yuzuru is still flat on his back on the ice, long limbs stretched out like a starfish. He lays one hand on Javi’s ankle, just above the top of his boot, and strokes there with his thumb. Yuzuru doesn’t let go until Javi moves, sinking down to his knees and then rolling onto his back. The ice is cold beneath him, seeping through his tshirt, but Javi pays it no mind. He feels Yuzuru shift by his side, hears the smooth glide of the ice beneath him, and he turns his head when he feels Yuzuru’s shoulder brush against his bicep. 

The vague sounds of the others still practicing, goofing around, chatting together in groups, filters in Javi’s periphery, unfocused and unimportant. All that matters is Yuzuru by his side, the warmth of his body and the breadth of his smile, the way he scrunches his nose like a rabbit. 

Loving Yuzuru is like being caught up in the path of a hurricane, Javi thinks, chaotic and tumultuous and ever changing. But it is in these silent moments, where they speak to each other without words, without the barrier of language, simply existing together in joyful bliss, that Javi feels most loved. 

There might be years, yet, like this, of distance and struggle and even the future beyond that lies unclear, murky on their horizon. 

But for this, the way Yuzuru feels beside him, the sparkle in his eye. Being here in Japan with him, with his family, and perhaps, one day, Javi returning the favour in Madrid. Standing with Yuzuru, brushing themselves off, and skating, Javi’s arm thrown over Yuzuru’s shoulders, to rejoin the others as they head out to lunch, like they’re just another two faces in the crowd. 

For this, Javi thinks, it is worth waiting all the time in the world.


End file.
